


Why Are You Back?

by Ghostin8220



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Depression, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-01-23 15:29:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18552589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghostin8220/pseuds/Ghostin8220
Summary: Jeremy always thought him and Michael would be together forever but after suddenly being thrown into a family scandal, Michael has to leave to take over his family business stationed in South Korea. Jeremy is left heartbroken and completely devasted as he watches Michael live a happy, successful life.





	1. Sad and Broken

“When’s the last time you went out on a date?” Jeremy picked at the fuzz on his worn cardigan. He shrugged his shoulders apathetically - he shot a glance toward the large clock - ten more minutes.

The older woman across from him sighed, crossing her legs as she leaned forward, “Jeremy, it’s been months-”

“Six months and twenty-three days.”

“What?”

“He’s been gone for six months and twenty-three days.” Jeremy tore his eyes away from the clock and onto the older woman’s face. This was his fourth session and he was starting to wonder why he let Christine convince him this was a grand idea.

“Jeremy, this is not healthy,” Jeremy dropped his eyes again, “he’s moved on and going on with his life, why can’t you?”

"He was all I wanted," He started to claw at his sleeve, "Why would I strive for something new when I'll never be able to reach where I was with him? I don't want anyone  _new._ I want Michael." 

The older woman sighed again, casting a crashing wave of disappointment through Jeremy's body - reminding him too much of his mother. He searched around the room to find something to distract his thoughts from his mother. The room was decently sized with a beautiful oak desk sat neatly in the center; two large bookshelves leaned against the back wall, packed to the brim with books. Diplomas hung snuggly on the wall to the left of Jeremy, beneath that was a fake, plastic plant that he resonated with. He landed on a golden nameplate sitting neatly on the wooden desk. The flashing metal looked too pristine for his liking - nothing deserved to look that flawless; perfect wasn't a real concept, it's imaginary.  

_Dr. Houston._

The name struck him abruptly; this woman was the best psychologist in New Jersey and Jeremy's father was paying a lot of money for him to sit and do nothing for an hour.  

"Let's stray away from Michael," Dr. Houston declared, "Why don't we discuss your drinking? Your friend Christine called and expressed her concerns on your recent habits." 

He huffed, "I don't see my drinking as a problem. I'm over twenty-one." 

The older woman lifted a refined eyebrow, "That's funny," she hummed, "Because Christine stressed multiple times that the last couple of times she's come to check on you at your apartment that finds you in either a drunken stoop or hungover from hell. So would like to tell me again that this isn't a problem - where do you even get the money?" 

Jeremy thinks of the cardboard box he filled with unavailing collectibles that Michael had gifted him for birthdays and Hanukkah and how he sold them on eBay for quick cash. It reminds him that he still has a half-empty bottle of cheap scotch at home. 

"Spring cleaning," He mused as he leaned further back into his chair, his nerves were fraying as the woman before him picked apart at his life. 

Dr. Houston opened her mouth - as if to question his answer, but the tiny timer next to her nameplate buzzed to life, screaming and shrieking to get the attention it desperately needed. 

"I believe that's the end of our time, " Dr. Houston uncrossed her legs and stood gracefully, brushing off imaginary dirt and smoothing the wrinkles on her skirt, "Before next week's appointment, I would like you to minimize your drinking to just the weekends and I would like to see you try and put yourself out there - go on a date, Jeremy."   

The older woman led Jeremy out of her office; she gently reminded him to take it easy over the weekend and to enjoy himself but not too much. He takes a moment to study her features, cataloging them for future reference. Her blonde hair was pinned back and Jeremy could make out the grey seeping from the roots; he recalled that she was either in her late forties or early fifties. Her skin was clear and almost perfect, but Jeremy could make out the faint appearance of frown lines on her face. Sometimes, she looked so much like his mother that it struck him to the core. He missed her frequently.

But the worse quality she possessed was her soft brown eyes. They matched Michael's too much. 

The front lobby was deserted, a tired receptionist sat idly at her desk as Dr. Houston went over her homework for him one more time before reminding him to pick up his new medication. He entertained her thoughts of getting a date but he knew deep down that when he returned in two weeks that he would still be head over heels for Michael. Nothing would change his opinion.

Jeremy was pushed into a whirlwind of people as he exited his doctor's office. He shoved past people as he made his way to the parking garage across the street - he just wanted to go  _home_. But his home wasn't home without Michael, nothing was the same without him. He pushed that thought from his mind as he wrapped his thin cardigan further around himself. 

He found his car easily as it was one of the few left on that floor. The PT Cruiser always brought back the most painful memories but it saved Jeremy from spending a small fortune on cab fees. He swiftly clambered in and started the engine - frantically turning the heat on to warm his body from its icicle. He leans back, deciding that he should wait for the car to warm up before leaving. 

The day was finally catching up with him, the wild emotions were raging inside his head, creating a dull headache to stretch around his head like a rubber band. Jeremy's eyes fell slowly, drifting him off to a new place. His mind roamed back to Michael - like it usually did. 

 _"It won't be for long,"_ he had said, " _I leave next week but I'll be back, I promise."_

Jeremy's eyes shot open and he let out a frustrated groan, running a harsh hand through his hair. No more Michael, he reminded himself as he pushed away the image of the man's wide, toothy grin and bright eyes. No more. 

~~

Jeremy didn't like the city much, it was too crowded and there was too much noise everywhere - he can't remember the last time he's been in total silence since moving here a couple of years ago. But, this was Michael's idea and Jeremy hadn't learned to tell him no yet; so here he was, alone in the city, in this stupid fucking apartment that Michael picked out, by himself. The sad thing was, it hadn't changed. Jeremy couldn't make himself throw out all of Michael's shit or redecorate. The bubbly boy had spent so long decorating and call him pathetic, but Jeremy was still hoping that one of these days Michael would barge into the apartment with his messy black hair and a large smile plastered on his face and tell him he was sorry for breaking up with him or he was sorry for leaving him for so long. 

The apartment door groaned as he pushed it opened and was met with the same dark, lonely room he hated.  He slammed the door closed, not caring about his grumpy neighbors, and shuffled off his cardigan. Jeremy threw his keys onto the dirty kitchen counter and making a beeline for the bottle of scotch.  He vaguely recalls buying it a couple of weeks ago - it had been Michael's and his sixth anniversary. He doesn't remember much from that night but he does know it was probably the drunkest he's ever been. 

Jeremy pours a large amount into his cup before turning to look through the stack of mail that's been growing. Bills. Bills. Insurance. More bills. Another magazine with Michael's face on it.  The dull thumping in his head returns and Jeremy takes a large gulp from his cup. 

**Michael Mell, the heir to the Mell family fortune, is reportedly in a committed relationship?**

_Michael Mell, 22, has neither confirmed or denied these allegations but the entire internet is dying to know who this mysterious person could be. It is widely known that Mell hasn't had the easiest transition to the move to Seoul and close sources say he's been dealing with personal issues as well as the stress of taking over as CEO from his late uncle. His mothers have reportedly been gushing over their son's new Beau and plan to publicly announce their relationship soon. Is love after all or this all a setup?_

Jeremy felt his heart twist, was he already moving on? A broken laugh left his throat before he could stop it. He downs the rest of his drink easily. God, he was playing a fool's game. His breathing picks up, a shattering feeling expands through his chest, making it hard for him to swallow. He was so alone, so damn alone. Christine only stuck around to make sure he didn't do anything drastic, like kill himself. It's been a pattern in his life if he gets attached then they wind up leaving him. His mom left him, his dad pushed him away, his friends drifted away, and now Michael. Michael, who left to pursue something better, something that wasn't Jeremy. He didn't even want Jeremy to come with him. He couldn't even break up with him face to face. He got a fucking note. Michael vanished through in the night and fucking left a note saying he couldn't continue to be with him. Jeremy figured that he was just ashamed of him, who would want to flaunt him in the public? 

His knees gave out from beneath him and he made it an effort to grab the scotch bottle before he slid to the ground. He was so fucking done with himself, so tired. His hands shook as he brought the bottle up to his lips, tear's fell rapidly down his cheeks as he took a long swig. The burn from the drink grounded him long enough to stop his crying. Jeremy lets his head slam back and into the cabinet behind him. He knows he'll probably fall asleep like that and he's okay with it. He knows he hasn't had dinner and he's okay with it. He's never hungry anymore, really. Jeremy allows himself to fall into his thoughts once again. 

His thoughts are interrupted as the sound of knocking reaches his ears. A curse falls from his lips as he struggles to stand and the knocking grows louder. 

"Yeah, yeah," He mutters darkly, "I'm coming."

He knows it's Christine and he doesn't want to let her in. Jeremy's decided he doesn't want her trying to make him eat or sleep in his own bed. 

He rips the door open, "Chris, I'm really not in the moo-" The words drop from his mouth. It's not Christine.

"Hey," the person breathes out, a tiny, timid smile was on their lips, "Long time no see?" 

Jeremy doesn't say anything, his mouth still agape as he double checks that he's not completely hammered yet and imagining it.

"Michael?" The man smiles a little more and nods. Jeremy closes his mouth and he straightens up. 

"Fuck you," 

And the walls rattle as the sound of apartment 508 door slams shut. 

 


	2. The Loneliness is Suffocating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy is left in a panic of the return of his (ex) boyfriend after almost seven months of silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a hot second ngl but I AM BACK. i dont know for how long but I suddenly have the urge to write about this one because it actually has a plot. ENJOY!

A broken sigh escaped Michael's lips as he heard shuffling from the other side of his old apartment. The sound of an object being hurled vibrated through the hallway, a stifled scream soon followed. Michael furrowed his eyebrows, anxiety began to spread through his blood. 

"Jeremy, please let me in." He paused for a second, "I want to know you're okay." 

The disorder halted from the other side of the door. Michael breathed a diminutive sigh of relief but the feeling didn't last long as the apartment door flung open.

"You lost the right to care about me a long ass time ago,  _Michael."_ He flinched as his name was spat toward him. The pool of nostalgia that sat in his stomach expanded, he held back the pained gasp that threatened to escape. His eyes darted toward Jeremy's hand where a half-empty bottle of scotch clung loosely. He came to the quick conclusion that the man in front of him was tipsy, at the least, which was ominous because the last he can remember, the man before him could not hold his liquor at all. 

"You are a  _coward._ You are a fucking coward Michael Mell and I fucking hate that I love you so much. I hate that I never gave up that dream that'd you'd come home and smile so fucking wide. I fucking hate that you came back after you found someone new to love. Are you here to get the rest of your shit because I threw it all away. All of it so- so you can leave!" 

Found someone new? Michael abruptly remembered the article published about him. 

"Jeremy, please let me come inside and we can talk about this. I know you didn't sell any of my stuff, you have too big of a heart for that." Jeremy winced, Michael smiled mentally for still being able to catch the man's habits. 

Jeremy darted a glimpse toward the scotch in his hand, he hastily lifted the bottle to his lips and downed the rest of the bottle. Michael's heart sped up as he followed the bottle reached his lips. He was not okay and it was all his fault. 

A contented sigh escaped the pale man as he retracted the bottle from his chapped lips. His gaze shot toward Michael's, the light gleam erased immediately from his body. 

He widened the door open, "Come in."

~~

Jeremy's heart couldn't stop hammering as Michael entered the apartment. He watched as his brown eyes scanned every surface he could - a soft smile growing as he studied the room that seemed to have never changed. Jeremy felt the need to scratch at his skin, he hastily reached for his cardigan that was strewn across the floor. He swiftly turned around, thankful to not be able to see Michael anymore. 

Once he had turned back around, cardigan wrapped nicely on his body, Michael was analyzing the copious amount of empty alcohol bottles scattered throughout the messy apartment. Jeremy's anxiety soared as the tan man turned to face him. The smile was no longer on his beautiful face anymore but rather a dark blank face reached Jeremy. 

"How long did it take you to go through this much liquor?" Jeremy crossed his arm defiantly. 

"I don't think it matters to you-"

Michael's loud, commanding voice broke through his, " _How long_ , Jeremy?"

The apartment was deathly still as Jeremy's anxiety crashed against his conscience, screaming at him to run, run, run. He felt the pain from the last seven months claw up his throat, the urges suddenly swallowing him whole. How could he be so stupid to let this happen to him? He should have been a better boyfriend, he drove Michael away from and now he's back. He's back but he'll leave again. He'll again and he'll have start all over because he's worthless-

A warm body enclosed around him, the familiar smell of home hit him like a truck. Oh god. 

Jeremy pushed the man away from him, "Sta-stay away from me!" Michael's mouth opened to say something but Jeremy paid no part in listening dashed off to his - their bedroom. A small sob left his lips as he fell against the door.  The monster in his head began to do laps around his skull, softly singing insecurities. He needed a drink, he needed a fucking drink. The lonely feeling crept up as he desperately tore apart his bedroom, something he hasn't used in a while, for any kind of release. A soft voice drifted from under the door, making the frantic boy stop dead in his tracks; the angelic sound wasn't in his conscience but from Michael. 

" _When I see you smile_

_I can face the world_

_Oh, oh_

_You know I can do anything "_

Jeremy let out a noiseless laugh, that fucking idiot. A plethora of fond memories flooded his mind, the waves of voices eased in his mind and beast haunting his conscience decided it was calm enough to land, finding the darkest corner of his mind to rest it's poor, old eyes. 

"I can't apologize enough for what I did to you but - but I'll make it up to you. I will work day and night to show you that I've never stopped loving you. You just have to give me the time to explain to you what happened the week before I left for South Korea. " 

 Jeremy crawled slowly toward the door, Michael's shadow casted a dark gleam against the hardwood floors. He leaned onto the wooden door, feeling some comfort from being close to Michael. 

"Can-Can you sing for me?" 

Jeremy could practically hear the smile on his face, "Absolutely."  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not the best but I have to get back into writing. So bear with me.


	3. Trapped with Blinding Beauty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Questions have been answered but new problems develop between the two former lovers.

The loud berating sound of thunder shook the tiny apartment complex, waking the anxious man from his dreamless slumber. His eyes struggled to open - sleep still held a solid grasp on his conscious state. He fought the struggle half-heartedly before decided it was probably useless with the raging storm brewing outside, he would just be woken again after a few more heartbeats of calming silence. He needed to wake up anyways, he had a job interview this afternoon, with the incoming rent fast approaching and the small knick-knacks running a little too low for his liking, Jeremy knew it was futile to put this off anymore. Usually, Jeremy would drink himself into some angsty drunken stoop and sleep till noon and be too hungover for his likings and cancel his interview but with the event from last night; he knew he was sober enough to take on the world. 

Jeremy took a couple of moments to take in his surroundings when he realized that he was sleeping on the door of his bedroom, he groaned loudly as the memories from the night before flashed across his mind. He suddenly wished he had just gotten too drunk last night and Michael hadn't shown up at his door and accused him of drinking too much. He knew he had a problem but he didn't need the source of his drinking telling him it was severe. 

Finding the wooden door no longer comfortable, Jeremy finally stood from his position, multiple satisfying pops reverberated through his body. He could make out the sound of talking outside the door. Michael must have moved from his position near the door and taken up the couch. Jeremy remembers how Michael can't fall asleep unless there's another person or noise. He feels his traitorous heart swell happily.  

The wind howls outside the window next to him, the feeling of dread sweeps over his body as he looks around the shadowy somber room. His mind flashes back to the morning he found the note. He grimaces at the painful feeling and decides he needs to leave. 

Jeremy tentatively opens his bedroom door, slowly stepping out. The first sight that crosses his vision is Michael. He's sat in the center of the couch, knees spread wide; he's lounging his elbows on his knees, bending into it. He can see the grim, bitter face from where he is stood lamely. His eyes glued to the T.V that seems to be jabbering about him. 

  _"It would seem that icon, Michael Mell  22, has been seen leaving Incheon International Airport early yesterday morning. A close friend to the newly acquainted millionaire says he's flown home to New Jersey to win back an old flame. We are stuck wondering what his new beau most think of the revolutionizing revelation. Could it be true love or the sound of new money? More tonight when close friend, Anki Chan, describes the turmoil that has plagued the young celebrity-"_

"Oh FUCK off!" Jeremy couldn't stop his body from jumping as Michael angrily changed the channel. 

"Uuh-" Jeremy said lamely as the Philippian took deep breaths. Michael slowly hoisted his head to let his copper-colored eyes to meet Jeremy's lucid melancholy ones.  Jeremy could see the stress boiling over in his eyes, sudden understanding struck him in the chest, making him cough harshly in his elbow. Maybe they were both in need of help. 

"Sorry. I just got - angry I guess." Michael's body sagged, collapsing into the soft couch - emitting a strained groan and harshly scrubbed at his face. Jeremy uncomfortably inched closer to the dark male, debating mentally whether this was a good idea or not. He opened his mouth to talk to the usually bubbly man but closed it once he saw how tired he was. Dark, deep frown lines were etched into his flawless golden skin, Jeremy noticed how much older he looks than he did before left. He kinda felt bad for him. But he remembered the lonely nights crying so hard and so much that'd he'd throw up or pass out. He felt the resentment crawl up his throat and he extracted the comfort begging to claw up his body. 

Jeremy noticed how Michael's breathing picked up and suddenly he couldn't let his resentment hold him anymore. He slowly sat down next to the stressful man and placed a tender hand on his shoulder. 

"It's okay to be stressed, Michael." He whispered sweetly. 

He was caught off-guard by a warm pair of arms wrapping around his waist and beckoning him to come closer. He felt the familiar feeling love crawl across his waist as Michael buried his face in his lap. Jeremy curled his long fingers into his thick wavy hair, relishing the feeling of nostalgia. It was so sudden and he felt like he was living in a dream. A few weeks ago he was spending his nights drinking himself silly or mostly crying. But here he was, sat on his old, worn couch with his ex-boyfriend moments away from an anxiety attack in his lap. It felt oddly normal. The last 18 hours have probably been both the worst and best moments of his life in the last 6 months. Both Micahel and himself were known for their erratic anxiety, Jeremy far worse than the ladder, but this moment right here was so familiar and he loved it.  

"I'm sorry, "Michael's voice was muffled on his thigh, "I didn't mean for you become like this. I genuinely thought that - that I was protecting you. I didn't want you to spend the rest of your life being ridiculed for being with me. I'm not ashamed of you, I promise. I just wanted to shield you from all _that_." He raised his arm vaguely toward the TV, "I just wanted to protect you but I can't. They're gonna call you a gold digger and assume you're using me and - and I don't want that for you. I caused you so much pain in the last several months and I never wanted this for you. I thought this would do you more good than bad but I guess I was wrong." 

Jeremy could feel the sorrow rolling off both their bodies, it was suffocating and Michael's hand was busy drawing circles on the side of his thigh. It was distracting him. He was exhausted from the night before, surprisingly enough, sleeping against a door isn't as fun as it sounds. 

"Let's go to sleep." Michael lifted his head to give him an incredulous stare. "I can tell you didn't get any sleep, Michael. Just because we've been apart for six month doesn't mean the last six years disappeared I know your tics. And, I need time to think about everything so let's go to sleep." Michael's eyes bore into his before he slowly relaxed his head back on Jeremy's lap while the tall man repositioned himself to lay against the couch's armrest.  Jeremy's hand resumed weaving through the dark black waves of hair. It didn't take long for the boy in his lap to drift off completely. 

Jeremy, on the other hand, didn't fall asleep but rather admired the sleeping grace in his lap. The storm was still raging outside, the powerful screams of wind causing chills to run down his back. He was never the biggest fan of storms but he wasn't afraid of them. He was afraid, though, of getting sucked back in. He was scared that he was going to trust Michael again and the beautiful man would repeat the same dance all over again. He couldn't handle going through another six months with that false hope. If they were ever going to work, he'd have to go to South Korea with him and he'd do it. Jeremy would drop everything for Michael, for the chance to just be near him. 

~~

Michael woke an hour later, just as the storm reached its peak. The living room was darker than it was before he went to sleep and Jeremy was wide awake, scrolling on his phone. The TV's screen had gone dark and the usual thrashing ceiling fan was curiously still. It even seemed as if the building was completely hushed, aside from the pounding of rain against the windows. Michael blinked away the sleep from his eyes for a couple of moments before resting his gaze on Jeremy's smooth face. The dark marks under his eyes seemed to have gotten more opaque but the glint in his eyes seemed happier and more understanding. 

The power must have gone out, he concluded after a few dull moments staring at the blank ceiling. He shot his eyes back Jeremy to seem him angrily typing to someone or thing. He wouldn't be surprised if he was debating with some kid online about something as simple as underground lore. Jeremy raised his head from his phone and smiles softly as his eyes reach his. 

"Did you sleep well?" Michael nods before tilting his head at the other. 

"You didn't sleep, did you?" Jeremy lets out a tiny huff before shrugging off-handedly. Michael squinted his eyes at the man before slowly lifting himself off of the other's skinny frame. He shivers from the loss of heat before allowing his body to sit up properly to match Michael. The once tranquil silence is now latent, endless with unsaid tension.  

Michael had made up his mind about their relationship; he knew in his heart he couldn't leave Jeremy again. He felt so guilty about what his beloved had turned into and he felt vile just thinking about what could have happened and what has happened. So much has been left unsaid, especially since they've only spoken a handful of times. 

He opened his mouth to ask the burning question but Jeremy beat him to it. 

"I don't know if we should fight this anymore..."

 

**Author's Note:**

> Kinda maybe sorta rushed the ending up I tried like four other endings and this was the only one that made so sense.


End file.
